Was 2017 the year of normal celebrity names?
Famous children will never be confused with daily objects again
Celebrities are artists. Creative spirits, if you will. Drawing inspiration from the world around them. This extends to the naming of their children. In an attempt to normalise the celebrity child lifestyle, A-listers will often draw inspiration from common objects in their house while naming their children.
Nothing says celebrity child name like a pronoun disguised as a proper noun.
Don’t believe us? Why not ask Blanket Jackson? Oh, he’s not available? try Apple Martin. Is she not ripe enough to interact with the media yet? Try Blu. Not Bear Blu, Blue Ivy. Oh she’s feeling a bit down these days, well, children are what you name them. Look to the North for answers. No, a little to the West. That’s it, you catch our drift.
In this Warhol-esque attempt to glorify the everyday, Gwyneth Paltrow’s child is eating an apple wondering if this counts as cannibalism. But there’s comfort in numbers. No, were not talking about Seven Badu Benjamin.
We’re not complaining, this is what separates the famous kids from the regular ones. How are you supposed to know which child in baby Gucci is famous if they have names like everyone else? Why are celebrities denying their children the luxury of being named after inanimate objects? Inanimate objects need not labour like the masses. Pharrell William’s son Rocket’s career never needs to take off.
Unfortunately, 2017 has seen something of a downturn in this once entertaining celebrity trend, with ingenuity being replaced by dullness. Katharine Kaling (Mindy Kaling’s progeny) already sounds like a young lady studying to be a marine biologist.
Nicholas and Lucy Iglesias will never see the inside of a therapist’s office.
Instead Lucy will be best friends with Serena Williams’ little Alexis. Jack will live a normal life. Jack who? Jack Oscar. Jack Oscar who? Exactly. Ella and Alexander Clooney will wonder why their normal names don’t match their devastatingly dangerous good looks.
So how did this all start? We blame the British royal family? William and Kate are obligated by royal decree to name their children good, royal British names. Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana, not a noun in sight. We would have settled for a diamond thrown in somewhere. Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diamond Diana. Any gem that would look good on a tiara really: ruby, sapphire, opal… even topaz. It’s obvious what’s happened here. In an attempt to make Princess CED (that’s Charlotte Elizabeth Diana to you) feel normal as the only royal celebrity child with a regular name, the Queen clearly passed a law that all children of famous birth must posses commoner names.
Everybody famous met, there was tea and crumpets served on gold plates. The Queen announced the name of her grand-daughter, then passed a rule to be followed throughout the lands. It was read from a scroll by the official Palace town crier. “Hear ye hear ye, by Royal decree: All babies of famous parents are to have names generic enough to be found on key chains and coffee cups in souvenir stores by Her Majesty the Queen of England’s wishes.” And that was that.
Except for Beyonce and Jay Z’s twins. They’re their own Royals.