According to a survey that was never conducted, 93% of women worry about whether they’re virgins or not at least 3 times a day. But according to Mangal Pandey, Bihar’s health minister (not Aamir Khan, with the unfortunate facial hair), all you need to do to is check your ring finger. No ring there? You’re definitely a virgin.
It all started, as it always does, with an innocently regressive government form. The form, issued by Indira Gandhi Institute of Medical Sciences, is part of the procedure for doctors and staff to join the institute and requires them to declare whether they’re virgins or not and how many times they’ve been married.
It came as a surprise to no one that the form caused outrage and needed clarification from the authorities. And clarify they did.
Mangal Pandey couldn’t understand what the fuss over the matter was. You see, Mr Pandey had access to a dictionary that not many people do. This dictionary had informed him that ‘virgin’ was actually a synonym for ‘unmarried’, so you can see why he was having trouble grasping the fact that people actually find it offensive for a future employer to ask about the condition of their sex lives.
“I have looked up the meaning of ‘virgin’ in a dictionary. It means ‘kanya’ (girl), ‘kunwari’ (unmarried), ‘punya bhoomi’ (sacred land),” he said. So in summation, it’s only the unmarried girls who are virgins, not boys.
Before you lesser-informed people whip out your phones and frame a strongly-worded tweet, just remember to cut him some slack. He is only the health minister. Of a whole state.
Luckily for you, Mr Pandey, we have a handy little dictionary of our own which offers up more than a few ways in which you can safely bandy the term ‘virgin’ about without riling up the ‘libtards’ and ‘feminazis’.
- While recalling the name of the islands Richard Branson owns and where the Obamas vacation.
- While wondering whether there’s any alcohol in your mojito.
- While checking the quality of the heavily discounted olive oil you’re buying.
- While recalling the Polish pop rock band that disbanded in 2004 but reunited permanently in 2016.
- While you’re looking to buy cheaper, untreated cotton.
You’re welcome.
