5 fatal mistakes you're making in your relationship


5 fatal mistakes you’re making in your relationship

The dynamics of dating are changing really quickly

By Naina Hiranandani  July 18th, 2017

You’re intelligent. Witty. Good looking (enough). Successful. You also met someone very cool recently, and hey, it seems to be going well. He’s super cute, there’s flirty banter until 1 am (on a school night!), and the fun dates leave you blushing. Then one day (just when you were imagining your beachside wedding in Phuket), he drops the bomb. Suddenly, he’s no longer interested.

This is like one of George RR Martin’s unpredictable plot twists, except, instead of Jon Snow, you’re being screwed over. Now your phone screen feels like an empty, hollow vortex. You long to see his name pop-up with a customary ping. You occasionally stalk him to see when he was ‘last seen online’.

Day three: You’ve been unfollowed. What the1 Has he moved on already?

So before you decide blame today’s rules of dating, the people who brought you together, or curse the other gender, perhaps, it is time to lean in. Could it be you?

5 signs you’re screwing up your own relationship

The checklist

As a matchmaker, this is the one habit that drives me nuts the most. Only if you’ve ordered a boyfriend on Amazon, who will be made in China with a customised personality based on your tick boxes, can you put so much pressure on the idea of your dream man. People can stay single for years, simply because they are too arrogant to let go of improbable expectations. Seeking the good stuff instead — important traits such as his value system, attitude, kindness, approach to conflict, and emotional intelligence will go a long way, rather than his designation. 

 

Free your mind

“Ten minutes into a date, I always know if this will even go somewhere.” Guess what, Sherlock: You don’t. None of us do. We tried to set up a date for two people who had almost met. The woman initially wasn’t very keen because when their parents spoke over this prospective rishta a few years ago, one dad had pissed the other off. We convinced her to meet him, and — surprise, surprise — they’re dating now. Don’t write off someone you’ve only just met or never bothered to — you may just end up marrying him. 

Be fair

It’s entertaining to occasionally meet the liberal, ‘creative consultant’ who makes her free-spirited life sound amaze, but is actually struggling to pay the bills. There’s nothing wrong with that — except she wants a “stable”, “well-to-do”, Ivy League alumnus to sweep her off her feet. I always ask my clients what they bring to the table (in this case, not even the bread), as a person. You should be able to respect your partner — emotionally, physically and even professionally. Don’t play the convenient Feminism card if you can’t play by equality. It’s not cool.

Be cool

You’ve had an amazing first date. What should you do next? If you’re going to text him every 10 minutes, overanalyse his social media activity or constantly stalk him, you’re clingier than my three-year-old nephew. Be it a year or 25, every relationship is a constant work-in-progress. I truly believe that a healthy relationship actually feels like you’re meditating — there’s no stress or fear — only a sense of calm. All you have to do is be patient and wait for him to meet you halfway.

 

Too much information

Sure it’s important to be yourself, and honest — but assess your date’s comfort level and vibes in the early stages of getting to know one another. Unfortunately, I’ve seen so many educated; well travelled; successful; ‘evolved’ clients practically butcher a relationship in-the-making this way. There is a fine line between an icebreaker, and being foolhardy. Good conversation is an art. If he’s the right guy, you’ll both learn to trust one another, and will be able discuss everything from your million-dollar business idea to the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done in public. Just pick the right time.

 

Naina Hiranandani is the COO of SirfCoffee, a dating service for the global professional.