We imagined an excerpt from Priyanka Chopra’s yet-to-be written memoir so you don’t have to


We imagined an excerpt from Priyanka Chopra’s yet-to-be written memoir so you don’t have to

No, YOU don’t have any friends

By Salva Mubarak.  June 28th, 2018

Priyanka Chopra and I have a lot in common. We’re both human women and we’ve never dated Leonardo DiCaprio. So when I heard that Priyanka is going the Rishi Kapoor way and writing a memoir about her life as a beautiful person, I felt that I have a unique edge into predicting what exactly the book might contain.

Now the news has raised several questions amongst those who actively follow Priyanka’s life AKA the whole world. Will the book contain the secret to mastering an unplaceable accent? Will Priyanka finally reveal that she is in possession of the same Time Turner that Hermione used in her third year at Hogwarts? Will we find out which song she and Nick Jonas karaoke to on their date nights?

So for people who can’t wait for Unfinished to drop (Yes, Unfinished is what she’s going with), here’s a 100 percent fake excerpt from it to tide you over until you get your hands on a copy.

An excerpt from Priyanka Chopra’s yet-to-be-written memoir, Unfinished.

Many people think that my life is wonderful, that I wake up to the sounds of elves playing a harp and angels massaging my feet. They’re wrong. Not about the harp and angel massages. That is absolutely a fact.

Another fact: It’s not easy being Priyanka Chopra.

Take this one party I went to, for instance. So I was partying with Hugh Jackman and Pharrell, and Beyoncé walks by. I wave a hello, and you know what she does? She looks past me and walks ahead. Was it really dark at the party? Yes. But the point is that I still get ignored by some people. Life is hard.

This is not to say that I’m not grateful for all that I’ve achieved. I’ve worked really hard for all this and I feel now I am in a position where I can pass off my wisdom to people who aspire to be me.

Aside from actually kidnapping me and using my DNA to mutate your body into becoming a replica of me (an ambitious, but fairly plausible method), I figured I can use this chapter to give you the five most important lessons that I’ve had to learn the hard way.

1) Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re a NOBODY

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If you’re reading this book to learn life lessons instead of trying to figure out the identity of the famous men I’ve secretly have dated, then you ARE a nobody. Just kidding… I’m goofy like that, ask my publicist.

You’re not a nobody. Your organs can still fetch a decent price in the black market. People are always looking to make shady deals for hearts and kidneys. So the next time a hater tells you that you don’t matter, tell them that your kidney alone can help a dude buy a luxury yacht. How’s that for being a NOBODY?

2) Always heat the knife before gliding it through frozen butter

Cocoa butter

For a smooth life, and an even smoother breakfast, heat the butter knife to a nice 41 degrees celsius before buttering your bread for a smooth application. Many scientists argue that it should be 41.78, and not 41, but I can tell you from personal experience that 41 is just perfect.

3) You have to actually WATCH the show you’re the lead of

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You can’t get away by just telling people you love the show that you’re on, instead of actually watching it like normies (‘Normies’ is what we people like to call people who don’t have a private jet or deals with multi-billion dollar movie studios).

I am obviously not talking about myself. I watch my show religiously. Seriously, it’s like a religion for me. I know everything about my character, Meghna Mathur. Quiz me if you like losing. But for other people who star in shows with convoluted plot lines, your lies will catch up with you and expose you in front of a live studio audience. It’s just not worth it.

4) You can learn a lot about a person from what’s written on their slogan tee

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Slogan T-shirts are not only super fun and Instagrammable, they’re also educational. If you want to be the master of your own destiny, it’s important that you learn the art of reading a person’s soul and identity within a few seconds of meeting them. An important hack for this is to read the person’s T-shirt, if they’re wearing one, and do a mental analysis. For instance, if a woman is wearing a tee that says ‘Nap Queen’, then she’s basic, and probably doesn’t deserve your valuable time.

5) Family is the most important. Period.

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Yes, some people would say that your family is nothing but walking and talking sellable organ containers, and those people won’t be entirely wrong, but family is so much more than that.
You can count on them for being there for you when the rest of the world deserts you. Also, am I talking about organ harvesting more than I should in one chapter? Probably. Is it a hint to my next big business venture, after starting my own production company?

Only time will tell…