After listening to a Tony Robbins audiobook one day in Los Angeles about how to be the most extreme version of me, I decided to break the Guinness World Record for Longest Journey By Car In A Single Country, which took 36,123 miles sleeping in my Subaru Outback for 122 days with my girlfriend (at the time). So, believe me when I say that I understand sex in a car can be complicated. And if done incorrectly, that wonderful moment of first-date lust can morph into a three-week foot-cramp. There are many challenges—lumpy backseats, lack of privacy, incompatible clothing and, more dangerously, cops. So how do you do it safely? For the automobile-curious out there, here’s a guide to having road trip sex comfortably, enjoyably, and legally (because yes, you can get arrested).
Memorise the Most Pleasurable Positions (For the Both of You)
There are ways to make use of the awkward space a car provides. Let’s say you want to do The Blinded Driver position (and yes, I made that name up). This is where there’s one person in the driver’s seat, facing forward, and the other is on their lap, reverse cowgirl-style, also facing forward. Whomever is in the top position should grip that steering wheel and thrust down, using the wheel to sway your hips from side to side while pushing yourself down onto your partner with fire and fury. This is how you can use a seemingly useless and inconvenient car-part to apply extra pressure and steer (sorry) your partner in any direction you want. The bottom partner can make use of the steering wheel as well. Just grab it and pull yourself closer to your partner thrice as hard. The person on top can also place their palms against the roof of the car and push down from the ceiling to switch the direction of pressure!
The same principle applies for the car doors. Whether you’re laying down in the front or back, use the car door to push in from one side and keep the pillows on the other to protect your partner’s head. See where I’m going with this? You’re in a tight space, so make use of the pressure points for better sex! Steering wheel, car doors, ceiling and window (if you’re on your stomach).
Are you getting tired of having sex in the car? Because you can also have sex on the car. Utilize the trunk! Just pop the back, lay your towels down over your luggage, cover the towels with your blanket, cozy it up with the pillows, and bend over. You’ll use the popped trunk to hide yourself from view, and whoever’s doing the fucking, you can even use the hinge of your trunk door or the trunk door itself as a bedframe to pull yourself in as far inside as possible, but be careful not to injure yourselves.
Avoid Tinted Windows
Every state has a limit on the amount of tint you’re allowed to have on your windows. So, if you plan on driving through multiple states, some don’t allow for any tint at all and you’re sure to get pulled over. Even if you don’t get pulled over, you’ll simply stand out far too much when parked. If a cop happens to roll by the deserted desert road off Highway 50 while you’re positioning yourself for higher living, you’ll still be half-naked when you get that tap on the passenger-side window. Ideally, use a car with NO tints, or if you do have tints, know your state tint-limits so you know which states are sex-safe zones.
You’ll still need privacy, so get some Velcro and some fabric from your local arts and crafts store. Cut up rectangular slabs that match the height and width of each of your windows. Yes, we’re making curtains that Velcro on and Velcro off. It’s like having a slip-on shoe, but it’s a slip-on sex curtain. Now, whenever you’ve found a safe spot, attach your curtains with the Velcro for privacy. When the mitzvah is done, rip those curtains off and get out of there.
“YES, WE’RE MAKING CURTAINS THAT VELCRO ON AND VELCRO OFF”
Utilise Natural Barriers
There are generally big piles of gravel and sand and cement every hundred or so miles off the side of the highway. You’ve probably driven by them ten million times and never cared to wonder what they might have to offer. These make great barriers and will hide you from view without drawing any attention. Nobody will even see your car, so you can always pull off and bang behind the sand.
Find No Service Exits
You’ve also got the no-service exits—you know, those exits off the Interstate that have no gas stations or houses or commerce of any kind and you’re not even sure why the exit was even built? Exactly. Well, exit there and find a nice spot to pretend like your car is abandoned—just park on some out-of-site two-tracker road (roads that only have tire marks to lead the way) or any road for that matter and play dead. Random cars are stashed all over those no-service exits. Just blend in.
Know The Three Places You Can Sleep in Your Car
There are three places in the United States where it is legal AND free to park your car overnight, or for extended periods of time: truck stops or travel centers, rest areas and Walmart parking lots. Not all Walmarts own their parking lots though, so make sure it’s a Walmart that owns the land they’re on. You’ll know whether or not it’s a legit Walmart by the other car-campers and RVs parked somewhere in the back corner. You can pull anywhere in that parking lot (they’re usually the size of seven football fields), turn the car off, put the curtains up and do what you need to while the town shops for furniture and groceries.
Rest areas are always good, unless specifically stated on a sign. Sometimes they have parking time limits, though, so pay attention. Truck stops and travel centers are also cool, but don’t park in the truck section. You’ll be inhaling diesel fuel while you sleep and they leave the trucks running throughout the night so it’s real loud. Find a Pilot, Flying J, Loves or a local truck stop with a sizable portion of the lot dedicated to cars.
Don’t Try It If It Seems Iffy
Don’t try and get away with parking at municipal or state parks, and if you’re planning to have sex in a national park, don’t even try it without making a reservation months in advance. They take that shit seriously. Never pull off on the side of the road at night either, because that automatically looks suspicious to any sneaking cops. Also, keep a truck stop guide in your glove compartment, and make sure you’ve got a GPS because your iPhone is going to be out of service 60% of the time you’re on the road. Trust me. Especially if you’re out west.
Invest In Comfort
The car is not exactly an intuitive place to have sex. If you want to have sex in the front while laying down, how the hell do you deal with that front console? And if you want to have sex in the back, there’s just simply no way to lay down comfortably without fixing the curvature of those backseats. Invest in a pair of thick blankets, a pair of towels and two pillows to smooth out all those lumpy inconveniences. Make sure these are accessible—the last thing you want to do is search for ten minutes around your trunk, fully erect, for some way to make your car comfortable while parked behind a big pile of sand in the middle of New Mexico. Make sure everything is within hand’s reach. Now all you have to do is wedge the towels between the gaps of the center console, lay your blankets over the towels and put the pillows above your head so the door handle doesn’t bruise you all up every time your partner gets a good thrust in.
You can improvise on how to use your bedding in the back depending on your vehicle, but the basic gist is to throw the towels in the dips of the seats and lay the blankets over the towels and position the pillows against the car doors. That should take care of the lumps, keep you level and create a plunge-safe zone for your partner’s head.
Wear The Right Attire And Accessories
Jeans, pants, rompers or leggings are far too complicated to get off in a cramped space when the mood strikes. Try a stretchy mini-skirt with cozy socks, or some loose-fitting shorts that you can lift up, over and around your junk. You can have sex comfortably, and still walk inside the next gas station to buy a Slim Jim without having to change your outfit. Also, make sure you’ve got some wet-wipes to clean up afterwards and a plastic shopping bag for disposal.
So those are just a few ideas that might be of use to you while on the road. Good luck!
From: ELLE USA