Here's how you can bump into Justin Bieber in India, seduce him and start your new life together Advertisement

Here’s how you can bump into Justin Bieber in India, seduce him and start your new life together

Allow us to feed your delusions…

By Salva Mubarak  May 3rd, 2017

So Justin Bieber is dropping by Mumbai with his trusty washing machine in tow and you have already sold your kidneys and part of your soul to procure the elusive passes to his upcoming concert. But ask yourself, BelieberGurl143, are you really prepared to see Bieber in all his glory? Before you descend into a pit of Bieber-induced fever, digest our comprehensive guide to ‘accidentally’ bumping into the popstar, fulfilling all your dreams and delusions at the same time.

Dance like Bieber’s watching

Like any popstar worth his autotune, Bieber will arrive on his private jet after performing in Dubai. He is, reportedly, landing in Mumbai three days before the concert. He is going to be given a ‘traditional Indian welcome’ which, we’re told, is not a barrage of taxi drivers fighting over who gets to drive you. When you’re a popstar, folk dancers are flown in to perform for you because, and this is a legit fact, popstars are known to lose 200 fans for every minute they’re not being entertained. This is where you come in. It might be too late to enrol yourself in a class and learn a whole classical dance form from scratch, but this is precisely why God made YouTube. Learn a traditional dance form overnight and hook the Bieber of your dreams.

Serve Bieber with a smile

On his first day in India, butlers from Rajasthan are being flown in to serve him cuisine from all the states of India. This is not all. Traditional gold and silver-plated thalis are being customized with the names of Bieber and his entourage in the Devnagri script. So if the dancing doesn’t work out as planned, then maybe it’s time to binge watch all the seasons of 2 Broke Girls to learn how to be a terrible waitress. Practice on your near and dear ones before D-day and make sure you spill that Rogan Josh right on the popstar’s lap. It’ll be a cute story to tell the grand-kids, or your prison cell mate.

What’s in a face?

Bieber is going to attend a special black tie event, held in his honour, which will have all your favourite Bollywood celebrities in attendance, including Arjun Rampal, Malaika Arora Khan and Sunny Leone. Now is the time for a reality check. How similar are you and Jacqueline Fernandez in the looks department? If the answer is ‘as close as dal chawal is to mutton biryani’, then maybe it’s time to consider cosmetic surgery. With a few thousand painful nips and tucks, and all your savings, you can look like a horror story version of your favourite Bollywood celebrity and glide in to charm Bieber. 

Guide your way to his heart

You might snigger at the tourists embarrassing themselves in front of the Gateway of India, but very soon, Bieber might be joining their tribe. On his third day, the popstar is planning to visit popular sights around Mumbai, including Gateway of India, Kala Ghoda and Mani Bhavan. So brush up on what you learned in 7th grade history and become a tour guide to introduce the popstar to the rich culture the city has to offer. If you miss him in Mumbai, book your ticket up north were you can stalk him from in and around any of the 10 million heritage sights scattered across Delhi, Jaipur or Agra.