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Starbucks’ zombie Frappuccino is a crime against humanity

No, Zombie Frappuccino isn't made out of human brain and gut

By R. Eric Thomas  October 30th, 2017

What does Starbucks want from me?! When will the nightmare end?! First they sick the Unicorn Frappuccino on unsuspecting sugar-addicted masses and, shockingly most of us all survived. (Pour a latte out for those we lost in the great Unicorn Massacre). Now, they’re back and they’re out for brains.

starbucks menu board

The sign for this crime against humanity reads “Tired of the same old blood and guts” and if you saw that and didn’t immediately call the police, you’re complicit. The makers of the Zombie Frap should be tried at the Hague. Who is the target audience for this beverage? Do Zombies even crave blood and guts? Are you talking to vampires? WHAT WOULD VAMPIRES BE DOING AT MY LOCAL STARBUCKS AT 10 IN THE MORNING ON A FRIDAY?

I mean, really?!

The sign also reads “You will lose your mind,” and you’re damn right about that, Molly. (Molly is the name of one the baristas. I am going to presume she drew the sign. She looked artistic.)

Does it taste like blood? Does it taste like brains? Does it taste like a zombie’s undead flesh? (Yes.) When will this fusion food craze end? And how many Weight Watchers points is the human brain, Molly? This is a serious question.

zombie frapuccino 2

This is a photo of the culprit. Please use it when the police asked what did me in. I’m sorry, the old Eric can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, because he drank a novelty beverage at his local Starbucks when all he wanted was an Oprah Chai and to live the rest of his life in peace.

The Zombie Frappuccino is a green beverage with a deep swirl of black-purple that grows progressively bigger like a universe being taken over by evil in a science fiction movie. The whipped cream is lavender and it’s heartbreakingly beautiful.

Ostensibly this is a caramel apple flavored drink with other flavors thrown in just to spite you. I will tell you what it actually tastes like. The first sip is like being punched in the throat by a caramel apple Jolly Rancher and then slapped across the face by a chocolate-covered cherry. WHERE DID THAT CHERRY COME FROM, MOLLY?

This whole experience is a drive-by artificial fruiting. The cherry part is the real shocker; that’s the thing that convinces you those lunatics at Starbucks just want to watch the world burn.

Frankly, I blame Hillary.

(Hillary is the name of the other barista.)

The audacity of this company is just outrageous! Why aren’t we marching in the streets?! Or, short of that, ambling and stumbling through the streets, with our arms outstretched?

zombie prapuccino 2

And what’s happening in that promotional image? Why did that zombie just get a manicure?! Who is this zombie hand model? You eat people’s brains but your cuticles are on fleek? Honey, get your afterlife together.

giphy 35

There is a person next to me yelling at someone over the phone about needing time to write her dissertation and I want to turn to her and scream, “Who cares about the academy; the world is burning!” But it’s probably just the zombification talking.

This is a selfie because I am actually dead after drinking this.

Everything about this drink makes me furious. I loved it.