Steamed vaginas and other treats

Ah, the sweet smell of vaginal shame. The reason thousands of well-deserving women deny themselves oral sex. The reason Whisper douses all its sanitary napkins with a special scent (Eau de Poo). And the reason Goop is back in our lives again.

Here’s the latest from Planet Gwyneth, about a spa treatment called the Mugwort V-Steam:  “You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release — not just a steam douche — that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.”

Despite every gynaecologist worth their salt screaming themselves hoarse about the wondrous self-cleaning properties of the vagina, treatments like the V-Steam continue to thrive because we can’t get it into our heads that there is nothing dirty about the way we look, smell or taste. The market will continue to make ridiculous claims like the ones below and we’ll keep forking out the cash to scrub, scrub, scrub our lady parts clean.

1. Not only will Clean & Dry Intimate Wash get all Vim Active on your vagina, it will also bring a bit of Rin ki safedi. Research has proven that a fairer vagina is a more confident vagina, so go ahead and let it loose at your next job interview.

2. The many, many, many creams that promise to tighten you up and make you feel like a virgin again. Reminds me of that Aditi Mittal joke about what might happen if her vagina tightening cream rubbed off on his penis, and his penis enlargement cream rubbed off on her vagina.

3. Is your vagina out of shape? Does it get out of breath climbing up stairs? Does it not fit into its college jeans anymore? Try out these mystery tablets, listed under ‘Sport supplements’, that will ‘improve vaginal elasticity and shape’.

4. Sometimes a thorough hosing of your delicate region with chemicals is not enough. Reach for the douche if you want to really get in there and scour out the whole apparatus. With vinegar

5. And remember those vaginal mints? The pepperminty, sugary treats that dissolved in your lady hole? Mmmmm yeast infection.

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