“The mistakes that I’m going to tell you about? Yeah, I’ve probably made all of them,” admits Sunny Leone, right before launching into a systematic breakdown of everything people get wrong in a relationship. “It’s actually not gender specific; guys can make these mistakes too. But usually it’s women who makes these (mistakes),” she clarifies, when I make noises about ‘equality’ and ‘sexism’.
Sunny, who is all set to reprise her role as the host of the tenth season of the reality show we all love to hate, MTV’s Splitsvilla, knows a thing or two about relationship mistakes, whether it’s from her own experiences or from observing the contestants who sign up to ‘compete for love’. “Sometimes our expectations for someone are really high when we get into a relationship, men and women both. No one is a mind reader; you can’t predict what the other person is thinking,” she says.
Aside from the fact that we don’t communicate well enough, here are the top things people get wrong before, during and after a relationship.
Sunny Leone highlights the top relationship mistakes you’re making
We don’t understand the concept of space
“We get so clingy so fast and we forget that we have to step on the brakes and relax,” she says, “It’s really hard for women to do, but if you let a man chase you then you’d be much happier.” Naturally, I ask her to elaborate on the last part.
“I think it’s basic psychology,” she starts, “We’ve been conditioned to find that one true love and that person who you’d want to spend the rest of your life with. We think so far ahead and we do not focus on what’s happening at the moment.”
We don’t know what we want
“If you love yourself, and you know what you want, then you’re able to communicate better with a person you’ve just met,” she says, “If you want casual, and you think you can handle it, then communicate that. Or if you’re looking for something serious, then make that clear too.”
We jump the gun
“Another mistake is dropping the ‘I Love You’ wayyyyy before you need to,” she says exasperatedly. “One of the best books I’ve ever read is He’s Just Not That into You (by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo). I suggest all women read that. If you see those warning signs then you should definitely walk away. I think they made a movie out of it, but I didn’t watch it, I just read the book.” It’s a crying shame, I want to tell her, because lying, cheating Bradley Cooper is ridiculously hot.
We are impatient
“I think patience and respect are something that we usually don’t have, especially when we’re young and we’ve just met somebody. I call it the ‘teething period’,” she giggles. “This is when you’re getting to know somebody and you make mistakes,” says Sunny. According to her, we need to take a deep breath and communicate, rather than react rashly at the first sign of a problem. “Let me tell you, when you go into a guy’s bathroom for the first time, it ain’t pretty,” she says, getting more passionate about the topic, “There’s nothing worse than walking into a bathroom or a shower and seeing hair everywhere. Or they don’t put the toilet seat down and it’s the middle of the night, and you fall in.”
We carry baggage into new relationships
“Unfortunately, when a relationship doesn’t work out, we carry our experiences forward into the next relationship,” says Sunny, “We need to recognize that not all relationships are going to be the same. If you’ve been cheated on, it doesn’t mean that the next person is going to do the same. You shouldn’t take the mistrust forward.”
Easier said than done, I say, and she patiently replies, “A healing process needs to happen. You broke up with that person for a reason. Whatever the reason is, it’s bound to have some major effect on you; take time to figure out what that is before you get involved in a new relationship.”
She concludes by taking a page out of Ru Paul’s playbook and shares her top relationship advice for girls (and boys): “If you don’t love yourself, then how are you going to find someone who loves you?”
Tell ’em, Ru.