The Critics’ Choice Awards had one clear winner. No, it wasn’t Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot you go, gurl), it wasn’t feminism because we celebrate females everyday. It was the planning committee. Whichever group of people sat down at their super-secret award ceremony planning round table and decided what the ultimate pairing for champagne and couture is. It’s fast food. The fastest of foods… it’s burgers.
You ever call up your best friend and be like, “Hey, I could really use a burger right now, come with?” and have her be all like, “Sure girl, but I’m going to have to borrow your Valentino gown because my Armani’s at the dry cleaners from the last time we went to McDonalds.” And you’re all like, “Fine, but you’re getting the fries.”? Nope. Because you need spanks to get into that Valentino and spanks restrict burger consumption.
Burger cheers to that.
To be clear, we’re thrilled about this. While everyone was focusing on the clothes and the jewellery, we spotted the real talent. Those succulent golden buns… no, not Jennifer Lopez. Mind you, there was a toothpick with the end all curled fancy-like, so that people knew they were special occasion burgers. Not your regular is-this-chicken-or-is-this-dog-food-and-should-I-be-worried-about-salmonella situation. These were red carpet worthy patties. You too Patti Smith, just not the same way.
Just look how happy all your favourite celebrities are. This is the world before carbs were bad:
These burgers are not at the Kid’s Choice Awards, this isn’t the people’s food for The People’s Choice Awards. This is the The Critics’ Choice Awards. There’s no award in your Happy Meal. You have to earn these awards along with the right to eat those burgers. These are adult burgers, we assume. The cheese didn’t come pre-sliced and individually wrapped. Again, we assume. They probably came in packaging like this:
That’s Chanel packaging. Chanel doesn’t do fast fashion just like they don’t do fast food. Burgers are now couture. They’re this season’s hottest accessory. Burgers can be choosers, you carry that happy meal proudly.
But what really got us was that amongst all the hate, discrimination and sexism that’s been going around Hollywood these days, gluten tolerant and intolerant celebrities could put aside their dietary restrictions and dig into food that requires you to use your hands. Never has a manicure been more worth it, for any occasion. Burgers and champagne also seems like the perfect combination. Both, arguably, the finer things in life. True indulgence and decadence. We’ll toast to that.
Just look at those pieces of meat….
…next to the Hemsworth brother. Beautiful.
A quick shot of Diane Kruger next to her burger. It’s sweet how everyone took a break from eating so they would have both hands to clap.
Mary J Blige cut her birthday cake. There was birthday cake as well. Is it us or were the Critic’s Choice Awards like one big kids’ party with a lot of celebrity guest appearances? Did the Stranger Things kids know that the booze is just for adults? We imagine these envelopes which apparently say the winners’ names don’t actually have the award recipient’s name at all. They’re just tiny menus that say ‘burgers’.
This has clearly been photoshopped by Gal Gadot. It actual just says “Best Food Group” and “Burgers” in a fancy font.
Eating burgers will never be the same again. In fact we’re going to dress up now for every burger run. What was that? Was it the doorbell. “McDonald’s, is that you?” The season’s hottest trend, at our doorstep.
That’s all for now, I’ve got to go put on my Valentino.
