What’s the only thing worse than not being invited to a celebrity wedding? Not knowing that they’re getting married. It’s the ultimate snub. It’s one thing not to be invited, but to NOT EVEN KNOW! It’s like Jennifer Aniston doesn’t even care how you feel, like it’s her special day. Maybe if she would have let us in on it, we could have stopped her. And been all, “No gurl, you want Justin Trudeau not Theroux.” We could have saved ourselves so much heartbreak, instead of having to work through the split by watching all ten seasons of Friends with that tub of ice-cream. Selfish.
Why would you hide it? Why? Like, do you not want us to share in your joy? How are we supposed to judge your choice of dress, floral arrangements and groom if you don’t even TELL US? Just slap an evil eye on and live broadcast the entire event so that we can be a part of it
We’ve earned it. We’ve been invested since the speculation began. Yes, we’re side eyeing you, Virushka. How dare you have your dream wedding in Tuscany in a Sabyasachi lehenga? It was all so sudden, we didn’t even get to guesstimate how much you spent on overweight baggage carrying all the lehengas and jewellery to Italy. The Internet was cheated of the chance to suggest truffle Parmesan kulcha as a viable option for the wedding buffet.
Sure Virat, you can have Sunil Gavaskar telling us things we didn’t need to know about every cricket match broadcasted ever. But when it comes to your wedding, the biggest day of your life, there’s not even Navjyot Singh Sidhu giving us a play-by-play. What gives?
Is there no return on this investment? Our follows are clearly worth nothing. It won’t kill you to live stream the wedding, saat phere et al. Think about it, Shriya Saran. You could have had a fan cam set up and as the paparazzi put up Instagram stories of your sangeet, while fan reactions and comments played on the big screen behind. Just picture it, “Shriya yu r breakin my hrt, pls marry me instead not 2 late ️follow back if answer is yes.” @mysterious_gymbod_9 could be the man of your dreams, and you won’t even give a brother the chance to object?
Of course, for this live stream of the sangeet to take place, the paparazzi would have to have the first few rows in front of the stage. Let’s just move Dadi back a few rows, shall we? This is the kind of consideration we were expecting from Lisa Haydon when she got hitched but it seems that only close friends and family were invited to the casual beach wedding. Intimate. Too intimate. It would have cost nothing to alert us of the location so that we could be privy to the ceremony. Don’t worry, we would respect your privacy and watch it from the comfort of a nice cruise liner.
When Beyonce and Jay-Z did it, we thought, “Well, that’s rude”. But it’s clear now that this business of a secret wedding is all a promotional act. Disappear for a few days, then release a whole bunch of pictures like our invite got lost in the mail. Missing a celebrity wedding is so much worse than missing a wedding with a celebrity appearance because that union could end in a celebrity child whose life we also should have complete access to. Make a three-part wedding trilogy movie, release it, sell tickets whatever. This is our journey too.
We’ve earned it. After all, who’s paying for the wedding? Not Dadi.