I have qualms with the fact that The Fifty Shades Trilogy is considered a benchmark in making BDSM, short for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission and sadism/masochism, ‘cool’. Those who are aware of the concept know that the movie didn’t presented quite the blinkered view of BDSM, pointedly ignoring various undercurrents of the act. The movie glorified abuse under the guise of BDSM, a disservice to a sexual act that’s already garnered quite the notoriety. Done right, the act is one of power-play that also involves emotional vulnerabilities in its real essence.
If you’re turning to movies as references, I suggest starting with Belle du Jour with Severine acting on her pent-up fantasies of domination. Or even the iconic Secretary with Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader which showcased some intense scenes for the early aughts. These movies captured the intricacies of BDSM with enthusiastic consent and essential aftercare.
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BDSM is not just about spanking or ‘controlling’ your partner, and despite it’s relatively low profile, is quite common in bedrooms. In a survey conducted by LELO, a leading luxury sex toy brand, it was revealed that in a group of four people, at least three of them have had sex involving BDSM. Don’t let problematic and mainstream depictions of BDSM push you away from wanting to dabble in it. When it comes to BDSM, enthusiastic consent, communication, trust and aftercare are a must. Here is what BDSM encompasses-
Bondage: Just as the name suggests, bondage involves restraining your partner by tying them up using props as a way to restrict their movement and exert control.
Discipline: Discipline here means dictating the actions of your partner by setting certain rules that have to be followed, and a series of punishments that follow if these rules are broken. Punishments can involve physical ones such as being repeatedly spanked or even restricting them from consuming their favourite delicacies.
Dominance: The most common of them all, this one focuses on dominating your partner, not just in the bedroom, but out of it too. Right from controlling their food habits to even their exercises. This works well for all the parties involved because not just the ‘dom’, but even the ‘sub’ gets turned on by letting their dominant partner control them.
Submission: A ‘submissive’ partner is the one who willingly lets the dominant partner take all or some control over them.
Sadism: The act of sadism involves deriving extreme pleasure from inflicting pain, both emotional and physical.
Masochism: Masochism is getting erotic pleasure from all kinds of pain being inflicted on you.
An almost scientific breakdown of this sort is boring but important so that the concept of BDSM and exploring it doesn’t overwhelm or intimidate you. At the crux of it, BDSM involves deep trust in each other and thorough communication about needs, boundaries and desires. The idea is to get involved in sexual experiences which not only spice up your sexual life but also help you get a better idea of your pleasure.
BDSM Tools for Beginners
Blindfolds
You don’t need to own a fancy pair of blindfolds to turn your partner on, any piece of cloth which is wide enough to cover your eyes will do the trick. With a blindfold, there’s so much that can be done; it’s the thrill of not knowing what your partner is going to do to turn you on next.
Handcuffs
Ever wondered why handcuffs are so sexy? The idea of being restrained in order to be controlled by your partner can be extremely steamy for a lot of people. Handcuffs allow you and your partner to engage in different activities like temperature play with ice or wax and more.
Whips
A wide term which encompasses tools like floggers, paddles and even crops, these are used to spank your partner with their consent. According to a survey conducted by Lovehoney, around 70% of women and 61% of men are massively turned on by spanking.
Spreader Bar
You might remember this tool from a scene in Fifty Shades Darker when Christian Grey hooks up Anastasia’s legs up to a ‘spreader bar’. Often used to gain complete control over your partner and ensure they submit to you, the spreader bar is an adjustable metal rod with two cuffs at the end. It doesn’t allow you to close your legs when things get intense.
Ball Gags
Literally rendering you or your partner speechless, ball gags are meant to curb your partner or you from talking. The idea of exerting control over your partner by controlling their speech can be stimulating and you might be surprised by how much you enjoy it.
