My introduction to the universe of kink and BDSM wasn’t the cliched trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey, but instead tattered erotic novels that were secretly stashed away in a small cupboard, and old French movies. I read the tale of a woman being stranded in the middle of nowhere, who meets a stranger who offers to help her out and takes her to his cabin. Obviously, sexual tension ensues and they begin a very steamy affair. A steamy affair that was rife with a variety of different kinks and fetishes such as bondage, wax play and even humiliation. They explored shifting power dynamics – sometimes she played the role of a dominant while he played the role of a submissive and vice versa.
My interest in bondage was piqued ever since I read about Natalya, the woman in this novel restraining her partner and making him watch her masturbate. Something was thrilling about her controlling the visual sense of her partner and turning him on. Initially, I assumed it was all about restraining your partner or being restrained with different props and tools, but it is so much more than that. A lot of it is about allowing yourself to be so vulnerable that you willingly give up control.
What exactly is bondage?
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Bondage is essentially restraining or tying up your partner as a way to restrict their movement and exert control, sexually. With powerplay taking centre stage, one partner acts as the dominant while the other acts as a submissive. However, that doesn’t necessarily equate to the dominant individual restraining and controlling the submissive one. Telling your partner how you’d like to be restrained and directing them with specific instructions is also a method of exerting control. Trying to grapple out of restraints can be extremely thrilling and so is being blindfolded, considering all your other senses are heightened.
What props are required in bondage?
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Props or toys play a crucial role in bondage. A wide variety of toys can be used to restrain your partner’s movements. Whether you’re a beginner who is a little afraid of dipping your toes into bondage or if you’re someone who’s engaged in their fair share of bondage and is looking for something more intense—there is a little something for everyone. Here’s a list of props that can be used for exploring bondage.
- Handcuffs: The simplest of them all, handcuffs are perfect for beginners who are looking to enter the world of bondage. While choosing handcuffs, opt for ones with a soft inner lining that won’t hurt your wrists.
- Ropes: The number of things one can do with rope are endless. With a rope you can restrain your partner in multiple ways—by binding their hands to a bed, tying their hands together and their legs too.
- Blindfolds: Blindfolds are a great way to amplify the other senses and add an element of surprise that can give you a rush of adrenaline.
- Spreader bar: This one needs no introduction, its depiction in 50 Shades of Grey resulted in a massive spike in sales for it. This is used to restrain your ankles and keep your legs apart.
- Thigh cuffs: Thigh cuffs are a stimulating way to restrict your partner’s movement since they bind the wrists to the thighs, allowing you to try different positions.
- Ball gag: Used to enhance the role a submissive plays, ball gags prevent you from speaking or even from asking for help, if you’re into that, consensually.
- Bondage tape: Unlike regular tape, bondage tape is kind to the skin. This tape lets you restrain your partner’s hands and legs differently.
Things to keep in mind before trying it out
Transparent conversations
Any sexual activity requires you to have transparent conversations with your partner about your boundaries and your limits. Communicating about the level of restraining you would like to engage in allows you to be clear with your partner. Clear communication will let you build a sexual relationship with trust and heightened intimacy.
Begin small
You don’t need to go all out and purchase elaborate tools on the first try. For instance, using a spreader bar your first time trying bondage out can be overwhelming experience. Start with simple tools such as a tie or even a rope lying around in your house. Once you’re able to gauge how comfortable you are with bondage, you can increase the complexity and intensity of the tools and positions.
Don’t rely on movies for inspiration
Much to the dismay of the kink community, movies end up depicting an extremely flawed version of BDSM, one that gives out an incorrect idea of what it is. Not only do movies blur the lines of consent but they also glorify abuse.
Discuss a safe word
A safe word is a phrase or a single word that is mutually decided upon by sexual partners in case the activity being practised gets too much—physically or even emotionally. It can be used to withdraw yourself from the said sexual activity no questions asked.
Don’t be afraid to experiment with positions
With bondage, the realm of possibilities is endless. Apart from cuffing your partner’s hands and binding their legs, there are a lot of other positions that can be explored. For instance, you can tie your partner’s hands to the rails on the headboard and cuff their ankles using a spreader bar.
Practice aftercare
A practice that must be incorporated after every sexual activity, aftercare involves checking in with your partner and caring for them. This allows you to make sure your partner isn’t overwhelmed with pain or emotions of any kind and also helps you build intimacy.
