Modern Love: Why Is Dating So Intimidating?

Remember when Lara Jean said that love is scary because, "The more people that you let into your life, the more that can just walk right out"? We all felt that. But maybe some of us felt it more than our friends who are in relationships. Being the only ones in our circles who have always been in the backdrop of love, watching from the sidelines, the mere idea of opening up or meeting someone is terrifying.

Over the years, we have made peace with the fact that dating comes with waves of anxiety. But what haunts us more than opening our hearts to someone is the possibility that we will never be someone’s first choice.

Modern Love: A Different Landscape

Taylor Swift’s This Is Me Trying plays in our heads on a loop when we think about love.

 I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere.

Because it truly feels like everyone is running towards love, while we are stuck, tangled in our own fears and overthinking every possible scenario. Love in this generation is like looking for stars in the sky—both impossible and a distant dream.

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In the case of dating, everything comes wrapped in unsaid rules, ghosting, Instagram story stalking, texting games, and the illusion of endless options. Imagine living in a time where a single swipe determines whether someone is interested in knowing our story or if are we just another name they will soon forget. And don’t get us started about the talking stage. The meaning of love has changed—it is now more fleeting, uncertain, and something we have to fight for in ways that Jane Austen’s heroines never had to because, for them, fixing a man and being ‘Bob the Builder’ was never a thing.

I asked my close friend Disha who put it best: “People don’t view love as a commitment anymore. It’s more like a transient feeling. Hence why the whole concept of being together forever is also not considered realistic. But if we start viewing love as commitment again, we’ll understand that we need to make that effort.”

The Influence Of Fictional Love

Many of us grew up believing in the kind of love we read about in books. Mr Darcy’s quiet devotion in Pride and Prejudice, Captain Wentworth’s unwavering love in Persuasion, and even the heartbreaking beauty of Wuthering Heights had us convinced that love was emotional, poetic, and undeniable. But modern love feels different.

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It feels like Willow—delicate, enchanting, but easy to break if mishandled. I’m begging for you to take my hand, wreck my plans—that’s my man—except no one wants to wreck their plans anymore. Everyone wants love as long as it’s convenient, as long as it doesn’t disrupt their carefully crafted independence.

My other girlfriend, Madhu, reflects on this reality: “I have never properly dated, right? And I think books are the root cause of it. The people in books make it look so much easier. And when you try to incorporate it in real life, you feel intimidated. Why isn’t it as easy as they show in books?”

The Fear of Not Being Enough

Maybe that’s why dating scares us. Because it feels like trying to swim in an ocean without clear shores. There’s always the fear of not being enough, not being the right kind of person for someone, or worse, being a placeholder until they find someone better—as if we are merely the person before the one. And we don’t know if we have the strength to be someone’s almost.

Disha voices a common fear: “When I like somebody, I tend to really make an effort so that they have space in my life. And probably that’s a turn-off now. They think it’s desperate or that I don’t have options. But they’re forgetting that it might just be because I really like them.”

The Role of Self-Perception

A lot of the issue comes from the way we look at ourselves. The classic case of body image issues or constant comparisons only adds to the weight of these fears. The digital world bombards us with unrealistic beauty standards, making us question whether we are attractive enough to be loved or just lusted after and discarded later.

Social Media and Unrealistic Expectations

It feels like we have to swallow the bitter pill that love is reserved for the people in glass vases—with perfect skin, toned bodies, and an unattainable list of traits. When we see our friends or influencers in picture-perfect relationships, it becomes harder not to wonder if our insecurities are holding us back.

Kalki casually dropped truth bombs in Kho gaye hum kahan 💯 pic.twitter.com/N9aFnHDA1A

— Cinematic Lines (@cinematic_lines) December 27, 2023

Then comes another layer—the influence of relationship advice that floods our feeds. Disha points out: “There’s so much crappy advice about ‘Three signs that he’s losing interest’ or ‘Four signs that your man is pulling away.’ It might seem helpful, but I only see it as propaganda for men to be emotionally unavailable.”

Love As A Learned Experience

It’s not just our own fears that shape the way we see love—it’s what we have seen around us too. We have watched our friends break down over relationships that were supposed to make them happy. We have listened to them cry over someone who once promised forever but left without a second thought. We have watched our parents fight, their love turning into something bitter and unrecognisable. And in those moments, love didn’t look magical; it looked exhausting, heartbreaking—something we have to keep fixing, even when we’re not sure it’s worth it anymore.

Madhu uses a striking metaphor: “Dating is kind of like being the only kid left out at recess in school. You see everyone with their partners, playing and having fun, and you just stand there, too intimidated to join in.”

Is Love Still Worth The Risk?

The fear isn’t just about being chosen—it’s about staying, about making it last, about not watching love turn into something that breaks us. It’s about trusting that love can still be something simple, despite the noise, the games, and the overcomplications. Maybe love is still worth the risk. Maybe somewhere between the confusion and the fear, between the hurt and the uncertainty, there is something real waiting.

Till then, Taylor Swift will always have me.