I’ve had a bone to pick with And Just Like That ever since they decided to write off Samantha Jones. But they decided to get Aidan Shaw back into Carrie’s life and inarguably ours too, so I take it as an attempt to redeem themselves. Ardent fans have always been divided on who was ‘The One’ for Carrie. Was it Big, who swept her off her feet in his swanky limo or was it the utterly romantic Aidan who took her for passionate getaways and straight into a Mills and Boons novel? With Aidan making a comeback and Carrie welcoming him with open arms, I can’t help but wonder, is getting back with your ex ever a good idea?
A fervently discussed topic at almost every table, getting back with your ex is often met with feelings of disagreement, contempt and even disgust at times. If you call up your best friend right now and ask them this question out of the blue, chances are they’re going to yell at you and book a session for you with a therapist. Just because it worked out for Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck doesn’t mean it’s always a good idea. This time around, instead of relying on my gang of best friends, I decided to weigh in the opinion of experts to finally put an end to this debate.
Understanding why this question arises
Romantic relationships are entirely subjective. What could be considered a deal-breaker in one relationship could be just a red flag in another. “The ex before becoming an ex was a partner with a certain sense of comfort and familiarity. No matter the duration of the relationship, the time spent together between partners also creates fond and happy memories,” explains Pallavi Barnwal, sexuality coach and founder of getintimacy.com. Most of the time, people contemplate going back to an ex-partner simply because familiarity feels safe and homely.
Lajya Nayak, consultant psychologist, strongly agrees with this and adds, “The reasons for pondering over getting back with your ex may be healthy or unhealthy. When we talk about healthy reasons, the most common one is being distanced from your partner makes the heart grow fonder.” She explains that unhealthy reasons can sprout from wanting to go back to old toxic patterns. Nobody enjoys feelings of loneliness that creep up on you on some days. These feelings of loneliness are also a major reason why people consider getting back with an ex.
Factors that need to be contemplated
However, if you’re thinking of getting back with your ex, the biggest factor that needs to be considered is the reason the relationship ended. Relationships end for a variety of reasons— infidelity, incompatibility, distance or abuse. It’s crucial to introspect about the reasons behind your relationship ending along with what you want out of the relationship. “If the reason you broke up with your partner still persists, you’re signing up for being in a vicious cycle of repeated patterns,” elaborates Lajya.
Every relationship is unique certainly, and what works might differ for everyone. However, Pallavi believes that every relationship should have certain fundamental non-negotiators which are crucial to keep that relationship alive. For instance, if communication is a non-negotiable for you and you have a partner that refuses to make healthy attempts to communicate, it may end up in you walking away. “Now, if you break up because of this non-negotiator, ask yourself why you want to go back?” says Pallavi.
Now, the big question is, should you be getting back with your ex?
Despite my previous relationship ending on terrible terms, there are still days when I ponder about getting back with my ex-partner. I mean, most of us have been there? Reigniting a relationship means giving your partner, and the equation you shared, a second chance. Second chances often demand copious amounts of empathy, self-awareness and forgiveness. If you’re not ready to offer that to the person you broke up with, getting back together isn’t the best idea.
“If feelings of loneliness, sexual deprivation and worthlessness are creeping up on you, making you want to go back to your ex, in an attempt to fill the void they created when they left, isn’t healthy,” says Pallavi. She further elaborates that skipping having the conversation about the cause of your breakup will only result in repressed feelings that will blow up later.
Lajya agrees and says, “Before everything else, ensuring that the root cause of your breakup is addressed and dealt with is a must for both individuals if they are seriously considering getting back together.” She believes that it’s important for both of these individuals to reflect upon themselves and work on themselves in order to be a part of a healthy dynamic.
