Why Dating For Money Never Works

I’d be lying if I said I’ve never factored in how much a man earns before considering dating him. So much so, that several of my friends often turn to me for advice when complaining about splitting the bill or paying for an entire date. Admittedly, not contributing to any costs while dating or in a relationship has felt second nature for a while.

However, while watching Celine Song’s Materialists starring Dakota Johnson, Pedro Pascal and Chris Evans, I was left wondering if I’d subconsciously acclimatised to modern dating’s most recent and fervent plague: transactional connections.

In Materialists, the central question is simple: passion or prosperity? Lucy (Johnson) is a successful professional matchmaker who’s made a career out of setting up high-net-worth individuals who know exactly what they want. Her personal approach to love mirrors her business model: calculated, transactional, and firmly rooted in the belief that security and status are the ultimate goals. She isn’t looking for sparks — she’s looking for stability. She’s seeking a wealthy, successful man to provide for the life she’s after. Enter Harry (Pascal) – rich, smart, attractive, and as Lucy so often reminds him, a rare ‘unicorn’ amongst New York’s dating scene.

But just as things seem to align perfectly for the pair, Lucy runs into her ex, John (Evans), who’s the complete opposite. He’s a struggling actor working as an ad-hoc cater waiter who Lucy broke up with five years prior due to money issues. It’s clear that John still feels the sting of not being able to provide Lucy with the life that she wants.

The film holds a mirror up to new-age dating, where wealth and status are often regarded as the most important qualities. However, by the end, Lucy is forced to reckon with the idea that love isn’t something can be bought or gifted.

It's for this very reason that Materialists, along with Song herself, have come under fire for what critics and viewers call 'broke man propaganda', a perceived trend in recent media that romanticises emotionally available but financially unstable men, often at the expense of women’s ambition, standards, or material security.

Of course, there are many points for Lucy choosing Harry. He comes with a gorgeous Manhattan penthouse, endless gifts and date nights at five-star restaurants. It's not exactly off-putting, but Lucy's reasons for staying with him are a blatant marker of everything that social media instructs women to do.

Social media is dominated by content that encourages women to date for money. Packaged in many formats, it doesn't take long to scroll across 'trad wives' who have glamourised swapping a nine to five for cooking, cleaning and looking after babies day and night or see 'soft-life girls' who depend on men to fund their extravagant lifestyles.

Dating gurus and femininity coaches such as YouTuber SheraSeven, better known as 'Sprinkle Sprinkle Woman' offer advice on how to get there. Simply step into your 'divine feminine energy' they say, or become a 'high value woman' and earn 'princess treatment.' And your reward? A six foot-plus, high-earning man in finance (with a trust fund) will fall into your lap.

'Lasting relationships are built on trust, emotional compatibility, and sexual attraction'

'I think if you're dating for money, you should consider not dating at all,' states journalist and author Olivia Petter. 'Lasting relationships are built on trust, emotional compatibility, and sexual attraction. Money might be seductive in the short-term but it won't give you what you need in the long-term.'

Succumbing to the latest lifestyle trend can happen to anyone, however, completely sidestepping your beliefs on gender roles in a relationship and dabbling in hypergamy (the act of seeking a partner of higher socioeconomic or social status) doesn’t just happen overnight.

Online, onlookers are quick to condemn women in these sorts of relationships. Labelling them as gold diggers and regressive. Yet, despite living in an age whereby women are arguably at the height of being independent from men, for many, the possibility of achieving financial security on their own isn’t feasible.

As the cost-of-living crisis ensues, women are statistically hit the hardest. 60% of people in financially vulnerable circumstances in the UK are women. Credit organisations such as Salad Money and Great Western Credit Union report that 60% of their customers are women – and when mothers are factored in, especially those that are single, the disparities only widen. Quite frankly, as Petter puts it, many of us are in financially precautious situations whereby 'money is something we're forced to think about more urgently than ever before.'

Despite this, content creators that advocate for these dynamics often forgo the reality of relationships whereby a man earns significantly more and how dating for money can create power imbalances.

Having previously fallen into this pattern, I can attest to how control through financial disparity permeated my relationship with an ex. Somewhere in the middle of our time together financial incentivisation crept in. 'Good' and 'feminine' behaviour would sometimes be followed by gifts, random money transfers, while anything that fell short of his values led to a withdrawal of affection and his money.

Safe to say, this dynamic made me question what actions and behaviours were truly aligned with my own values and beliefs, versus those shaped by the subconscious need to fit into this unequal relationship. I found myself holding back, being less outspoken or even not disagreeing.

Corinne Low, the author of Femonomics touches on this in her book, where she encourages women to prioritise what they want, rather than what society tells us to want. 'One mistake we make is staying with people for too long.

'Materialism is one of those things that I think can lead us deeply astray'

Eventually, my relationship came to an end when I rid myself of the fear of not finding someone as financially secure. 'It's not that everyone we have a spark with isn't economically stable and vice versa!' explains Low. 'One way to alleviate the tension between emotional intimacy and financial stability is to broaden our definition of stability—if a partner supports your career and invests in home life, women can take care of their own finances!'

So, if the answer is not subduing oneself to regressive relationship dynamics or co-signing‘broke man’ propaganda, then where is a single woman to turn to? Rather than swaying either way to polarisation’s pendulum, surely a happy middle ground that doesn’t negate human connection or real financial concerns exists.

And while there is no one-size-fits-all solution, the experts believe that raising your chances in finding your person starts with a focus on what you want, rather than what an app or social media tells you to want.

Olive Uniacke, the founder of London’s newest and most exclusive singles night - Olive's List - for the uncoupled believes that curated spaces that foster real, unfiltered connection is a great place to start.

‘In real life, you don’t get endless choice. You’re in a room, someone catches your eye, and you either do something about it – or you don’t.’ That presence is what’s missing in a world dominated by dating apps. Curation, in this context, isn’t about control or ticking boxes that signify status or wealth, rather, cultivating an environment where presence and connection is the priority.

As for Low, spotlighting what we personally value is a key to de-influencing our minds. ‘Following pre-designed scripts provided to us can often be in conflict with our happiness, because it encourages us to chase things other people want, instead of the things that make us happiest.’

‘In my book I encourage people to do different exercises - like a love vision board - to tune in to what they actually want and need in life, instead of the things they're told to want,’ she explains.‘Materialism is one of those things that I think can lead us deeply astray - into debt, into bad relationships. We have to remember that money can only buy some of the things we need to be happy, and everything else we get through our time, our relationships.’

via GIPHY

Materialists challenges the idea that love can be bought, urging us to rethink relationships beyond material incentives. As Song aptly puts it, 'The whole movie is about fighting the way capitalism is trying to colonise our hearts and colonise love.' True connection, she suggests, isn’t something that can be commodified as is the case on social media and apps—it’s about emotional compatibility, trust, and shared values. Navigating today’s dating world requires intentionality, not financial calculations.

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