To begin with, forget everything you already know about threesomes because we are going to make it simpler for you. The knowledge that you might have gained from watching porn caters to the male gaze and good ol’ pop culture. While porn mostly portrays threesomes as a rather crass affair with people being humiliated, pop culture romanticises it with films like Vicky Cristina Barcelona. However, who’s pushing the dialogue for a healthy threesome experience? Before we begin, we must reiterate that fantasies, no matter how wild they are, are valid and natural.
Threesomes are almost always shown as this extra steamy affair between three people that happen in the spur of the moment without any communication. As someone who’s got some experience, though messy, I can say that the act isn’t all that you see or believe it to be.
In a study conducted by Dr Justin Lehmiller, a sex researcher, for his book Tell Me What You Want, it was revealed that 95% of men and 85% of women had fantasised about being a part of a threesome. While another study conducted in the United States of America revealed that only 18% of men and 10% of women had actually been part of a threesome.
Reservations about threesomes are far too many. However, it could be a sexual activity that enhances the intimacy between you and your partner and teaches you newer things about pleasure or it could be a total mess! Either way, there’s a lot to learn.
So let’s dive deeper into threesomes and understand what makes a threesome uncomplicated, raunchy and fun.
Think about why you want one
There may be multiple reasons why a threesome might be on your mind. Some people bring it into the equation because they’re looking to spice up their existing dynamic. Whereas some people think that a threesome would ‘fix’ incompatibility or any such issues. Sakshi Tickoo, an occupational therapist and sexuality counsellor, explains that “Individuals with a shared interest in the fantasy of threesomes often engage in voyeuristic and exhibitionist behaviours sometimes, often discreetly.” Apart from this, the reasons could range from jealousy, hello zelophilia! Yes, getting turned on by watching your partner have sex with someone else is a real thing. Remember Elite? Experts also believe that being dominated by more than one partner in an act of lovemaking also adds to the reason for desiring a threesome.
Tickoo also emphasises how threesomes can cater to these behaviours and fantasies in a consensual way while also providing an outlet for experimenting with a unique sexual experience. Neha Bhat, a clinical art-based sex and trauma therapist, believes that it’s extremely crucial for an individual to think about why they’d want to engage in a threesome and what they expect to get out of it.
Communicate What’s On Your Mind
The primary rule of any sexual activity lies in communicating every single detail. Whether you’re toying with the idea of a threesome with your romantic partner or a casual one, conversations around this decision need to take place with honesty and transparency. Whether that involves the extent of a threesome or who you’d like to involve in it. Even the tiniest detail such as the third person staying over after sex needs to be discussed.
Pick Your ‘Unicorn’ Carefully
Alright, I know this term may sound a little absurd, but a ‘unicorn’ is the third person who joins you and your partner. Choosing the third person is something that must be done after enough discussions between you and your partner. It must be decided whether you’d like to choose someone from your circle or find someone from a public setting or through a dating app.
Find Out Your Boundaries
Experts unanimously agree that setting clear and definite boundaries in a situation as delicate as a threesome is a must. “Establishing boundaries helps ensure that everyone involved feels comfortable, respected and safe with their limits honoured,” Tickoo explains. She further explains that self-reflection and negotiation are two ways to set your boundaries. Sometimes boundaries can be fluid too. After all, humans are allowed to change their preferences and opinions.
There may be situations when everyone who’s involved may have vastly different boundaries. The idea is to arrive at a common ground where everyone’s desires and boundaries are respected equally.
Understand That Dynamics May Change
A threesome can be equal parts exciting and daunting. However, with communication, transparency, and respect for one another, it can be navigated smoothly. Tickoo reveals that threesomes have the ability to influence power dynamics within an existing relationship since attention and interactions are shared among multiple people. “Various emotional responses such as jealousy, excitement, insecurities or any unexpected feelings can be experienced by everyone involved,” she further adds.
