I am a woman in her mid-twenties with a fulfilling job, an even better social life and healthy habits, and yet, there’s still one thing I haven’t been able to crack: dating in this generation. I’m not a newly single person who has been thrown into the murky waters of dating recently, I’ve been struggling to swim in these murky waters for a while now. Dating applications, blind dates, cheeky setups by friends—I’ve done it all. A constant variable that existed in these scenarios was casual sex.
View this post on Instagram
In the beginning, casual sex was all parts thrilling and exciting. As someone who grew up watching Sex And The City, living life like Samantha didn’t seem like a bad idea at all. I was going out on dates with interesting people, getting to know them and also getting the chance to explore sexually—what’s not to love? Soon enough, my dating life became an entertainment talk show that my friends enjoyed hearing about every single time we hung out. ‘Did he just take you out for dinner on a yacht on the second date?’ ‘Oh, no way the both of you just did that in the bedroom, that’s wild!’ Now, I’m going to be brutally honest when I say I enjoyed the attention my escapades got me. Watching my friends attempt to live life vicariously through me was definitely a small ego boost.
But what my friends didn’t know was that these encounters were rather short-lived and all of them followed a similar pattern. I would meet someone charming and delightful, go out on some wonderful dates and then go on to have some mindblowing sex. One would presume that this is how a relationship begins, but not in this day and age. Instead, it would end with us deciding not to take things further for reasons that include fear of intimacy and the desire always to chase and run behind something. This always made me ponder whether casual sex was the villain that made it all fizzle out.
Understanding casual sex and it’s impact on romantic relationships
There’s no denying that we’re bang in the middle of hookup culture with the advent of dating applications making everything so accessible and easy. Hey, I’ve got nothing against these apps, I’ve mest some wonderful people because of them. The rise of hookup culture has removed intimacy from the equation when it comes to sex. However, casual sex is a great tool for those who are trying to explore their relationship with themselves and their bodies, it’s also great for people who have just gotten out of a committed relationship and aren’t looking for anything remotely serious.
So how does casual sex impact romantic relationships? Shahzeen Shivdasani, relationship expert and author of Love, Lust and Lemons says “Casual sex begins impacting romantic relationships because it ends up blurring the lines between intimacy and commitment.” She believes that there’s nothing wrong with casual sex when there’s clear communication between two individuals about boundaries and limits. However, when these individuals fail to communicate what they expect from this casual scenario, it becomes a problem. I’ve made this mistake wherein I’ve assumed that casual sex will magically bloom into a relationship, but shocker—it rarely ever does.
It’s Not For Everyone
I know I’m not the only person who has experienced regret right after an encounter of casual sex, no matter how toe-curling that encounter was. Shahzeen explains that experiences of casual sex are extremely personal and subjective, depending on the emotional and mental status of the person engaging in it. For some individuals, casual sex can be empowering and sexually gratifying while for others it could leave them feeling empty from within. With me, it began as a journey where I learnt a lot about myself sexually and ended with realising that I require certain degrees of emotional involvement for the sex to be enjoyable.
After years of having fun with it, I’ve come to realise that it isn’t my cup of tea. While I have nothing against it, I believe an act that is so intimate and allows you to be so vulnerable shouldn’t be termed casual at all. It may be a piece of cake for some individuals to enjoy sex mechanically without feelings of comfort, but I prefer my sexual experiences with feelings of affection, solace and tenderness.
