AI Spills The Zodiac Tea: Unhinged Decisions Ahead

Whether you’re manifesting soft-girl serenity or spiralling in your DMs, the stars are serving bold choices and barely-there consequences in our weekly horoscope round up. From Venus-fuelled love bombs to Mercury retrograde misfires, every sign has one thing in common: the vibe is delusionally unhinged. Let’s dive in.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Zodiac
This week’s energy: Chaos in couture.
Unhinged move: Books a solo getaway after one bad day at work. Doesn’t tell anyone.

Star says: You’re impulsive, yes. But also iconic. The cosmoses are amplifying your “main character arc”, and while your friends are side-eyeing your spontaneous rebrand, you’re already on the beach manifesting your next phase.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

This week’s energy: Soft luxury but stubborn.
Unhinged move: Spends half their paycheck on artisanal candles to “heal their aura.”

Star says: Comfort is your love language this week. You’re nesting like it’s a full-time job, but beware of confusing retail therapy for emotional growth. (That rose quartz gua sha isn’t texting you back).

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

Zodiac
This week’s energy: Drama in DMs.
Unhinged move: Revives an old talking stage and starts a group chat to roast it.

Star says: Mercury has you feeling extra chatty, but your words could come with karmic receipts. You’re hilarious, but not everyone gets the joke — especially your ex.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

Zodiac
This week’s energy: Crying in vintage.
Unhinged move: Sends a 3 am voice note confessional to a crush… then deletes it... Then resends it.

Star says: You’re romanticising your own breakdown and, honestly, it’s kind of working. But try not to confuse emotional intensity for compatibility. He read your chart, he’s not your soulmate.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Zodiac
This week’s energy: The moment.
Unhinged move: Soft-launches a situationship and posts a thirst trap with “loyalty is rare” in the caption.

Star says: You’re radiating heat, but is it passion or petty? The stars suggest a power move. Just don’t confuse being adored with being emotionally available.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Zodiac
This week’s energy: Girlboss on the verge.
Unhinged move: Applies for a UK master’s, deletes Bumble, and journals about starting a new life in Scotland.

Star says: Your need for control is peaking. But this week, try not to overplan the plot twist. Sometimes the chaos is the closure.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Zodiac
This week’s energy: Flirty, indecisive, and dangerous.
Unhinged move: Says “I’m over them” then texts “wyd” two hours later.

Star says: With Venus in play, your love life is giving Bollywood subplot energy. Romantic? Yes. Responsible? Not quite. Choose peace. Or don’t. You’ll charm your way out of it anyway.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Zodiac
This week’s energy: Seductive with an agenda.
Unhinged move: Blocks someone mid-convo for “bad vibes” and considers hexing them.

Star says: You’re living in a psychological thriller — written, directed and starring you. The stars say it’s okay to be intense, just don’t burn bridges and the receipts.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

This week’s energy: In their nomadic chaos era
Unhinged move: Signs up for a meditation retreat and forgets to tell their boss.

Star says: You’re craving meaning, but also… vibes. Don’t mistake escapism for healing. If you find yourself deep-diving into astrology memes and wanderlust reels, maybe stay grounded for a second.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Zodiac
This week’s energy: Peak productive, lowkey spiralling.
Unhinged move: Schedules a one-on-one to break up with someone. With bullet points.

Star says: Saturn is testing your patience, and you’re coping with structure. But the stars are whispering: feel your feelings, not just your deadlines.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

This week’s energy: Tech babe with a god complex.
Unhinged move: Launches a dating app for “emotionally evolved people only”.

Star says: Your mind is electric and slightly terrifying. Ideas are popping off, but don’t forget to check in with reality. Or, at the very least, your flatmates.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Zodiac
This week’s energy: Delusional but divine.
Unhinged move: Writes a love letter to a barista they’ve never spoken to, then turns it into a poem.

Star says: Your dream world is thriving, and reality feels optional. That’s beautiful — just make sure you’re not ignoring the red flags and the rent reminder.

This week, the stars are serving big feelings, bold moves, and a sprinkle of madness. Whether you're booking a flight, sending a risky text, or writing poetry no one asked for — do it with style, bestie. The universe is watching… and kind of impressed.