Eight Outfits From Milan Fashion Week To Wear At Your Sugar Daddy’s F*neral

If there’s one thing Milan Fashion Week teaches us, it’s that mourning need not be dull. “Yes, I’m grieving, but also thriving”? And for the record, this isn’t your average funeral attire guide. Think of it as the sartorial survival kit for bidding farewell to your sugar daddy, complete with enough flair to make the dearly departed question their life choices. Beacuse nothing says "processing denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance" quite like doing it in head-to-toe Milanese panache.

Dhruv Kapoor

The ultimate suit-set to drop the news. Friends, family, foes and flames — lo and behold, the procurer of sugar has descended to hell to pay for all the capitalist sins. How effortlessly this Dhruv Kapoor outfit screams ‘harbinger of bad (good) news.’ 

BOSS

This BOSS number is the tattletale outfit. The burden of the relationship is nicely communicated with the chunky, knotted bag — visibly reminiscent of carrying the baggage of being the more beautiful one in the relationship. Heavy is the head that carries the crown.

Etro

This is the post-mortem revenge dress, where the cause of death is conveniently filed under "old age." Because let's be honest – 76 is tough. And dating a 26 year-old, even tougher. A sartorial slap in the face to those blaming rat poison-flavoured chicken broth. Distasteful. Anyways, how’s the Etro goddess looking? 

Moschino

This is the tattered look the widow shows up in for the reading of his will. Modest, middle-class and torn apart, after hearing the news. A sorry state of affairs, truly. Great colour palette though. 

Moschino 2.0

Now this is the post-will-reading outfit. Only for friends and close family though. You know why : ) Honey-flavoured jello shots will be available, FYI.

Fendi

This is for flying to Austria, with the mortal remains of hubby, as per his request. The tombstone is to be erected at a confidential space in a highly chilly area with zero connectivity. Fittingly ironic for the late mobile network mogul. Thus, insulation is recommended, at least on top. Bottom, not so much. Thick thighs save lives. 

Gucci

And for the funeral, black, of course. Fur is fantastic (faux, please) and kitten heels take the cake. This showstopping Gucci number worn by Alia Bhatt at Demna’s debut showcase is ideal for a girls night ou… sorry, a funeral. 

Roberto Cavalli

Moving on in life is essential. Our muse too, has. Having bought a dozen vineyards has certainly kept her busy, mind you. This Roberto Cavalli dress comes in clutch during business meetings with certain Princes, Kings and Monarchs. Dream big, ya’ll. 

This Milan Fashion Week season has been easily the best one in recent years, and we’re still left with three days and a superb roster to follow. Tasteful theatrics are at an all time high, with Italian powerhouses showcasing the best of fine tailoring, glitzy debuts and blatant domination. Next up, should we do grad convocations and birthdays too? Giving it serious thought. 

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