What’s A Humiliationship? And Are You In One?

Humiliation: noun. The feeling of being ashamed or losing respect for yourself, or an occasion when you have this feeling—Cambridge Dictionary.

Caspering and orbiting now boast of a relic status in the dating world—welcome to the younger, slightly unloved step-sibling of a situationship: humiliationship. As the name itself suggests, it’s a horrid space to be in. And chances are, either you or someone you know, has been in one, or worse, continues to stay in one. Knowingly or unknowingly. The former predicament is likelier. Yikes. 

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My introduction to the term was an Instagram collage featuring Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big looking happier than ever, in four different instances. On the boat, in the street, at home and back to the street—it’s NYC babe, come on. Now if you’ve seen the show, (I’m talking about SATC, don’t erode my research with your And Just Like That commentary, save it for the pseudo fandom) you know he’s not the one for her. But she loved him. And how.

Yeah sure, it is a love story with a few good moments here and there but also fraught with emotional complexities (that were somewhat left undealt with) and power imbalances. While they ultimately end up together, their relationship finds itself in the middle of a valid criticism for its toxic elements and inconsistent dynamics. Cue the infamous pizza delivery scene—Carrie’s overproviding streak smeared in buttery tendencies of undervaluement, courtesy Mr. freaking Big. Now THIS was peak humiliation…ship.

This very murky, grey-zone that defines the limbo between two folks embedded in a situationship seems to have run out of craze–for it is the time of humilationships taking centre stage. Wait, let’s iron it out: these kinds of one-sided alliances have existed since man rubbed stone-on-stone. It’s only because of internet analysis experts and culture commentators that this wretched phenomenon has now found a spotlight and will churn around for a bit, till we have another vaguely interesting, overtly insensitive dating trend trumping the attention. I give it 3 odd weeks. 

See, humiliationships pretend to have a bit of a superiority complex–emotional unavailability isn’t the rotten egg here, disrespect guised as humour/ unsolicited feedback is. At first, you both invest time, energy, feelings—only to bask in the realisation that you’re just someone’s emotional pit stop. One day, they’re replying eggplant emojis to your sultry selfie on Instagram stories, the next day, they’re plating your dinner with a generous side of snarky comments about being too ‘out there.’ It messes with your head and your self-worth.

And honestly, you just know on a gut-twisting level that you’re being actively disrespected but you tend to stick around anyway. Look, this is not to be confused with the occasional moody skirmishes couples might have–pettiness is a customary accompaniment of a non-platonic bond (speaking with experience). But there’s a fine line cast in hot blazing iron that separates squabbles of domesticity with perpetual humiliation. And if you find yourself at the cliff of wonderment with regards to which side you’re on, let me just say that there’s some bad news I have to share with you. 

Despite being in a relationship, chasing someone who barely acknowledges you is not okay. Making excuses for their bad behaviour while they’re out here treating you like a placeholder is not okay. Being treated like a side quest or a joke is not okay. You knowing this and choosing to not walk away, my friend, is not okay. As my neighbour Raina (name changed) told me, “He’d treat me like his girlfriend in private and a stranger in public. One day I just thought: I’m not an unpaid actress in your rom-com fantasy. Blocked, deleted, healed." That's my girl.

Also Read:

Yap-Trapping: When Your Date Needs To Be Taught The Importance Of Shutting The F*ck Up

The Curse Of Being ‘The Girl He Dates Before Finding The One'