You think abuse and you think broken glass, a bruised limb or a black eye. But abuse is not always physical — it can happen at an emotional level and you may not even realise it. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that is done so subtly, it makes the victim question their sanity and memory. It involves one partner psychologically manipulating the other into doubting their self-worth.
The origin of the term will give you a fair idea of how it works. In a 1938 stage play, called Gas Light, the husband dims the house lights, and when the wife points it out, outright denies it. It was an attempt to drive her crazy and make her question her sense of reality.
Disagreements and fights are part of every relationship — be it romantic, professional or familial. So how do you know whether it’s normal or you’re being gaslighted? “If your partner is provoking you to the point that you become aggressive, saying mean things and denying things he said, then your partner is gaslighting you. In such a relationship, the abuser is always trying to prove the other person wrong,” says clinical psychologist Seema Hingorrany. If your significant other isolates you from your friends, belittles you or accuses you of being a psycho, then those are also warning signs you need to walk away from the relationship.
People who gaslight are pathological liars and masters at manipulation, whether they do it intentionally or unintentionally. Statements like, “It’s all in your head”, “You’re trying to confuse me”, and “You’re making it up” are all too common. “Most of the times, people who gaslight have a calm body language and remain unruffled, all the while provoking their partner to behave aggressively,” says Seema. So, you’re left shouting and feeling like a crazy person while your boyfriend or husband puts up a cool demeanour.
Some of the red flags you need to watch out for are these: being scared to have a conversation with your partner, feeling afraid to share your weakness/vulnerabilities and being threatened with a break-up. For instance, you may be afraid to share the fact that you had a fight with someone, because it can be twisted to mean that you don’t get along with anybody, and therefore, you are the problem. “Victims of gaslighting don’t feel comfortable being themselves in the relationship,” Seema says. “You avoid exposing your vulnerable side because you know it can be used against you.”
According to Seema, many victims of gaslighting are low on self-worth. They rely on their partners to enhance their confidence, and constantly feel they are not good enough for their partners. On the other hand, people who gaslight are usually narcissistic and have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). “But they are charming and soft-spoken in public. Which makes it difficult for the victims to speak up because friends and family may not believe them.” Going through a difficult relationship can be emotionally scarring and a person who has experienced gaslighting can takes a few months to recover. Confide in a trusted friend or family member. Therapy can also help immensely.
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